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TheBeckSterexcessive overanalyzing since 2004 October 19 My Final Farewell (yes, I realize there was never a first farewell)I chose to begin a clean start today. Also known as a new blog or a new journal. A new website, anyway. This may make some sad... but seeing as how I have minimal comments (and those I have gotten in the last four months have been from someone I don't know, having little to nothing to do with my writing) I don't regret too much. I do feel as if I'm leaving something behind. After all this is my first blog. There is so much Beck-history in this site it is painful to see it turn from 'active' to 'inactive' in my mind. The new website is called Esoteric Musings. I hope to create a sophisticated webpage that someday will be my selling point in becoming a travel journalist/photographer or published, somehow. Perhaps I will turn this ideal into a book. I still want to feel free to write the way I feel like writing, instead of having an ideal I am attempting to live up to. I know it is a goal I can accomplish, yet I worry. ReplyTo sender, I am bewildered... what do you mean "in reference to March o2.2006" and how did you find my blog? RE:
Beck,
hello, you dont know me, nor is this comment for this most recent post.
this is in reference to March o2.2006
I typed in a name of the "love of my life"...Scott Ramsden.
we met as KIDS, knew eachother a week, and for the past 8yrs i have
thought of him!
I apologize.
this is tacky and innapropriate!
but out of all the scott ramsdens there might be in the world...
i am trying to find him.
to say hello.
to catch up.
to laugh a little.
will you please write me?
i am grateful to your patience...
please!?
thank you.
cheers.
Hannah October 18 Procrastination Thoughts No, this blog is not on thinking about procrastinating instead it is on what I am thinking about because I am procrastinating. On Statistics studying.... eesh I write an exam tomorrow and I'm ready for the most part. Just this one thing I have to read up on... or a few things. I am not really sure because I have not looked yet. So what I am thinking (and writing) about is friendship. Not my thoughts on friendship, just in general: friendship. Or maybe a certain kind of friendship: the lost kind. I am sad because I feel as though I lost one of my closest friends. I do not think there is much I can do because there is such a seperation in communication between us. There has always been a certain topic that has been avoided or excuses has been made for. Now that topic is the main topic, no longer a side topic, and there is no way to talk about it. There are two differing opinions from two people who used to be best friends. Now there is just the shell of a friendship waiting to be filled again, but so much has happened in the last few months that I do not know if that shell will ever be filled by those two people. Or maybe those two people have changed so much since they have been away from the shell that they will no longer fill the shell the way it was created to be filled. I know that topic has ruined many friendships so what is more important, the topic or the friendship? I feel I know the answer, but of course I do not really know the topic only what I have heard of it. So then what do I know but rumors. I wish for a friendship like I have always wanted: an all-encompasing friendship where the two people are as one mind. October 17 Must be the weatherI'm feeling sorta lonely, like I am missing out on something that I could be having right now. Its hard to go from such a good weekend and then be back to normal life, whatever that is. And because I feel a deficiency I am running through the memories in my head of going to the Y in Manitowoc with Elav, driving half an hour to hang out with him, my little apartment in Green Bay and the friends I made there, the really awesome library with the good nap couches on the GB campus and the coffee cafe, the little place where I would get tabouli with Elav and we would play games... all those memories from Green Bay. And then after that I've thought about when I lived in Inver and had roommates that I could go down the hall to see. And when I lived in St Paul and Elav and I both worked in River Falls and ate at Subway. When I get lonely, it's Elav I generally think about. Perhaps that is a sign of needing to extend my close friendships. October 12 Finally bloggin "normal"Well, I didn't exactly get my Europe trip on here yet, but at least it will be in chronological order now that I've researved places for the pages and I can start my real bloggin again! Now you can stay in tuned to my random things. One thing I was thinking today is this: as a college student with little money that I want to spend on food, I am very accepting of the food I eat. Tonight I nibbled at some cabbage that is going bad and carrots and dressing (to cover the taste of the aforementioned). And I'm only now refusing to eat it because I honestly think my stomach can only handle so much. WOW ok, so an update on me: I am living in River Falls, WI going to UW-River Falls for Sociology and a minor in Art. I am living in an apartment building a 10-minute walk away from campus. I am learning to manage these apartment buildings so it is a good deal. I also work at the Whole Earth Food Coop which is half a block from where I live and I live on top of a thrift store! It really can't get much better... unless Elav were to move to River Falls! FRANCE: 9 AUG - 10 AUGUNDER CONSTRUCTION! VISIT AGAIN! SPAIN: 4 AUG - 9 AUGUNDER CONSTRUCTION! VISIT AGAIN! FRANCE: 2 AUG - 4 AUGUNDER CONSTRUCTION! VISIT AGAIN! SWITZERLAND: 31 JULY - 2 AUGUNDER CONSTRUCTION! COME BACK AGAIN! ITALY: 28 JULY - 31 JULYUNDER CONSTRUCTION! VISIT AGAIN SOON! AUSTRIA: OVERNIGHT 27 JULYUNDER CONSTRUCTION! VISIT AGAIN! GERMANY: 23 July - 27 JulyUNDER CONSTRUCTION! PLEASE VISIT AGAIN! SWEDEN: 19 July - 23 JulyUNDER CONSTRUCTION! PLEASE COME BACK! ENGLAND: 14 July - 19 JulyUNDER CONSTRUCTION PLEASE COME BACK! September 17 ICELAND: 12 July - 14 July~*Tues 11 July 06*~ Suzi K drove us to the airport @430p; we made it. Dinner at TGIFridays. Airplane departed 720p and arrived at 610a on Wednesday. The flight was 5 1/2 hours long. Jelly & Chris & I could hardly sleep the whole way and, in fact, I didn't at all...~*Wed 12 July 06*~ ...so here I am, in Iceland. A guy at the airport help up our name on a signDIANE FOFLAND we got a picture of it. Poor guy we didn't even say "hi"... just a "can we take your picture?" His name was Coulin or something._______________________________ Quote: "Let's get út of here" [Dad] út = exit We are driving a Toyota RAV4 There is a 5 hours time difference. The architecture is contemporary. It's pretty chilly here: 10ºC And people drive on the right too. Coulin, or whatever his name was, cautioned us not to cross rivers (for insurance purposes) -- apparently its a past time of younger Icelanders. Maybe like cow tipping to Wisconsinites. =) Except maybe they actually do it. ____________________________________Breakfast: in a hotel, a restaurant called Létt & Ljúft. Food seems very processed -the meat. Its buffet style. ______________________________ 1000 Króna ~ 14 $US Now we are going to the Blaá Lóniđ (the Blue Lagoon) which is a geothermal bath (spa) with caves, steam rooms, saunas and face masks. There is silicone, blue green algae and 2 other good minerals naturally in the water. It is a very nice place. After spending most of the day at the spa, we started driving to Bitra, our guesthouse. Us kids slept in the cramped back seat. A few hours later we arrived at a restaurant and had coffee, soup and bread. We will com back tomorrow night for a "real" Icelandic dinner. Finally we made it for the night (we arrived at 5is in the p.m.) to Bitra. It's in the middle of the country: Beautiful country -sparcely treed though. The guesthouse is black roofed and white. Its huge, but its 550p, I'm in my bed and I am going to sleep after I read. I will write more of the Guesthouse tomorrow. I have been up for 34 hours with a couple hour nap at the tail end. YEESH! ~*Thurs 13 July 06*~ Many of the houses are stucco - its very contemporary and I like it =) So far, I see all the floors are wood in our room -or mom and dad's- has a huge rug. There are 9 guestrooms in this basement, ours is a family room -2 rooms attached. Most just have one or two beds. Olafur is the owner of the guesthouse. He & his family live on the main level, I think. There is a dining room where we had bfast this morning @ 845a. The coffee is good, but its drip. Hopefully I find some real traditional coffee. Like how NZ has a tall black or a short black. That's what I'd like to find. I guess just something that's not American. ________________________________________ Dad was up last night at 2a.m. and apparently the darkness never set in. So tonight I will check it out... this place where the grass is still green at night =) ___________________________________________ W.C. is the bathroom, meaning "water closet" They wrap hay in plastic Barely any mature trees- mountainous, though. Gas is 130.40... Krónas hehe "foss" means 'fall'... and "jökull" means 'glacier' ___________________________________________________________ Our first waterfall: Seljalandsfoss There's a path to walk behind it so Chris, Jelly, and I (and dad) sprinted behind: soaking the side of us. Another fall we climbed up to and took many pictures. The bathrooms are actually really nice! The portapotties have flushing toilets, real sink, toilet paper and papertowels, soap and a mirror. Wow! _________________________________________ As we drive, there are many farms and buildings built right into the hillside. We also passed a glacier: Eyjafjallajökull One such farm is a protecte site called Rútshellir. There are about 200 man-made caves along the south Iceland and not anywhere else that anyone knows about. This one has sheep climbing over and around it. The cave is about 20m long and the hut that is built onto the cave is about 8m long. We also passes Mýrdalsjökull, the active vulcano that could erupt soon. It does about every 100 years. Its right under/the same thing as the glacier so the nearby towns have evacuation plans: they have no clue which way the stream of volcanic fluid/glacier ice and water will go. one of the towns is called Vik. We went to the grovery store in Vik: tuna, pickles and mayonaise sandshich and yogurt. Now we are on the oceanside: Atlantic Ocean. A german soldier was burried here. The beach beyond the monument is black sand -beautiful. Mom went to the waters edge and jumped a mile when it got her feet! We touched the Atlantic! We at at the museum: Mýrdalur for coffee. Halldórskaffi is the coffeehouse. Three pies, an espresso, a latte, a cappucino and two regular coffees. mmm We checked out Dyrholaey... a big rock that juts out with holes in it, forming peek-a-boo caves. Skógarfoss: huge waterfall which dad drove over a river (there is our river crossing, ha!) past the point of vehicles, much to mom's embarassment/dismay. We took pictures with the vehicle in them. I'm pretty sure it could be an ad for Toyota. Chris has taken to sitting in the trunk. One more pothole and dad will be in the trunk with Chris at the wheel! hehe We stoped so dad could take a pic of a barn built into the hillside. Another stop was for a huge cave that was all mossy inside. On the side of the road we saw a herd of horses... I can't think of any other way to describe it. A few riders in the back, about 20 or more horses without riders trotting along and in the front a few more riders leading the pack. They (horses) had beautiful hair. Our Icelandic Run went well (Dad's and mine). The weather was bitting: windy, cloudy and slightly sprinkling. The terrain was rocky and a little hilly next to the road that goes to our guesthouse. We went for about 14.23 mins and then walked up the drive for a cool down. Then we took quick showers and were still out in the car waiting for the others so we could go to the Hverageđi for dinner (Kjöt & Kúnst ...fyrir sælkera!) ... wow that is a mouthfull. The food is really good. _________________ Hv = a "qua" noise _______________ There is a lot of geothermic activity that shows up in little or larger steam puffs coming out of the earth. It actually provides heat for whole towns: Hveragerđi and Reykjavik. ______________________ đ = d Đ = d _______________________ Gas is about 130 per Litera ($ Kroná) which is about $7 per callon... US$. We spent 6,201 on gas! ... in Kroná. So $85 US---> expensive! ______________ Reykjavik is the capital Jelly, Chris and I skinny dipped in the hot tub. 12a and it looks like the evening time. ~*Fri 14 July 06*~ Up at 738a to pack, eat breakfast and out by 840a. We are on our way to Gullfoss. The landscape is flat and then suddenly there will be a tall mountain and then nothing again. Kinda like a wart, we decided. Gullfoss is different that I thought it was. This one is massive and wide. We walked/hopped down a path, took many pictures and then hiked back up a roped off area. At the top we were near and area that had a flat top rock imbedded in the gound. On top of the rock there were little piles of little rocks. Dad had the great idea to make our own pile... so we did. When we left Gullfoss, the horses were having a "fight", as in running around and jumping on each other. It was cool. _____________________ Chris's futur kids's names: Hydrogen 1, Hydrogen 2, Oxygen. Altogether they are called Water. And Jelly's.... lol __________________________________________ "sog": sign after a bridge ________________________________ Mom is in love with Iceland. Its like coming "back to the roots". Nothing in Iceland can be or go wrong. So we Passes a mountain with grass growing and a herd of cows clinging to the side, one leg shorter than the other from walking sideways on a mountain, and mom says "oh what wonderful pasture they have to graze on here"... we barely suspressed our laughter. ___________________________________ Today my throat is finally feeling better. Since Monday I've been feeling owies in my throat and I was scared of getting really sick. but this morning my throat didn't hurt as bad as it has. Way to go Emergen-C and echanasea. ______________________________ Geysir: There were a few geysirs clustered together. Strokkur is the one that is even more faithful that Old Faithful. It goes about every 10 mins. When we were there, there was a little shoot and then three big ones. Awesome. This is also where I saw a Mercedes bus! We are all soaking wet-- almost to the bone. It is icky rainy weather... really "sop" weather. Gail force winds this last day in Iceland. _______________________________ kaffie = coffee te = tea útgangur = exit opniđ = open ___________________________ We got to Reykjavik, the vapital, to find the internet. Finally we did at a kodak shop. So cameras got erased and pictures on CD. Yey. Now we're on the way to the airport while making tuna sandwhiches in the car. We ran through the airport thinking we were going to be SO late and the plane was actually delayed for 40 mins so we ate a little and now are on the plan. So... back to the part I get scared about: flying. Departure time at 1510, then 1650... but really we left at 1710. Its a 2:40 flying time. I'm sitting with Jelly and Chris this time. Dad and Mom took Jelly and mine seat: right next to the toilets! ha :) MY ICELANDIC IMPRESSION The little that I saw seemed desolate and uninhabitable. Not like the people couldn't live there, but like the land doesn't want the people to live there. The weather was chilly and brisk the whole time we were there and rainy and windy the last day... living up to the country's name. I get that it (weater) was unusual for the time of year though. The people we met were over all friendly and all spoke the native language, Icelandic. I enjoyed learning the letters, seeing the foreign language and finding out the meanings and the right way to pronounce the words. I liked the way the land changed. It had a very awwing feel to it. There are no major highways across the country... giving it a slow pace of life. The little I saw of the city was fast paced yet the architecture was still different compared to ours. Extremely modern and clean. For a quiet, back-to-the-roots feel, I would travel here again. September 13 Well...So much for keeping up with my trip to Europe... haha It is one of those things where I didn't keep up (except for one measly entry while leaving Iceland) and I felt guilty because I feel they need to be in order (Iceland and then England and then Sweden and then Germany, etc) and... well... I just didn't do anything then. Therefore, as some may have noticed, I deleted all remenants of my blogging while in Europe and soon I will write it all from my journal that I kept while over there (which is a priceless object, btw). Stay tuned. Oh yes... a quick update: I am living in River Falls, WI going to school at UWRF and helping manage the apartment building that I live in. Elav now lives in Rockford, IL and its a 4.5 hour drive. Ugh! My annual rollerblading marathon is this weekend... so much for practicing, I swear that is something that needs to change. Thats it for now. Pics will come soon with the Europe blogs. Adios! July 09 I'm leaving for EUROPE!Tuesday the 11th of July I leave for Europe. First place we (my family) lands in is Iceland. Hopefully in each country I'll be able to update my travel journal (you are reading it, if you were wondering) and... that would be great. Right now I feel slightly anxious about the whole deal --a bittersweet deal. I'm excited to meet new people and see new places, yet sad because I leave Elav and my friends for a whole month. It's hard to think about...
Don't forget to post comments once in awhile... I'll feel connected :-) July 06 Whistling StraightsThe large, stone house melts into view as her cherry-red Audi pulls up the long cobblestone drive. Three men dressed in white suits descend the wide porch steps to assist her carrying her luggage. She follows them up the three steps onto the porch and in through the thick Swiss-made dark wooden doors. The foyer is spacious with perfect stone flooring; a stair case curves from the right. Sturdy wood beams crisscross the high ceiling with four vertical beams marking the perimeter of the hall. The suited men disappear up the staircase with her luggage as she crosses the length of the anteroom through a formidable entranceway into the dining room. Additional beams crisscross the ceiling as well as many more vertical beams throughout the great dinner hall. She pauses at the entryway as she confidently assesses each person in the room. The noise of the room seems to reduce for a breath of time, if only to her ears, as her search ends. She moves through the crowd of rambunctious people effortlessly and finally at the far side of the room near the enormous stone fireplace her journey comes to an end… June 26 ...beep...beep...beep...beep...The window is open in the guest bedroom of my parents house and a car alarm down the street just started going off. And silence again. River Falls, Wisconsin.
I am moving out of Green Bay, WI next Monday and into a large trailer until I come back in August and move my posessions somewhere more permanent. Let's say that I'm aiming for two years in River Falls and at the end of those two years I want to be considered a graduate from college. I'm really excited to be back in the Twin Cities area, even though it hasn't happened yet. June 16 Thoughts of a runner "Ok here goes. Watch the cracks in the driveway or maybe I should hit them. Might be interesting to sprain my ankle again. Last time was pretty fun, until the attention wore off and I was just another person limping around school. Oh shoot, I think my left shoe is tied tighter than the right. Ignore it, Beck, not everything needs to be symmetrical. You already started running, don't want to lose momentum now. Is this the right side of the road to be on I wonder, yes, its the sidewalk. There is no right or wrong. Has it been a mile yet? No, only a blo- oh car coming, do they see me? I hope so, I'm not stoping. Oh. Well, apparently they'll turn anyway. Did she flick me off? She flicked me off! Maybe she needs to get out running. Endorphins and such. Yeah, like its helping me much--I'm still bitter that she flicked me off. Huh. So much for a good sports bra... this one is letting things slip. No support whatsoever. Guys are somewhat lucky they don't need to worry about these things. Bras, that is. I don't see how women can be active with bigger boobs, you would never be able to ---did someone blow their horn at me? I'm not doing anything wrong. Oh. Great. A coupla guys... high schoolers at that. Wow, I guess I am getting older. Obviously I must look younger than 21 or they wouldn't have done that. Or maybe my face is already red, or my shorts are hiking up too far or my shoes are untied- no you can rule that last one out... Ok we're gonna take a left here, I think its been enough time for half time. Ouch. OW! Think: kneekneekneekneeknee. energy.healing energy to the knee. Ugh why does it have to hurt? No problem breathing and the knee thing is slowing me down... well there's always something I guess. Hmmm while we're at it, why don't we just walk across the intersection. Oh, no. Bad idea: person cutting grass in front yard. Don't want to have to strike up a conversation about the weather or the fact that I'm the first person he's seen without a dog attached at my wrist. Continue on. Aaaand smile and little twist in the wrist that passes as a runners' wave. Yes! No awkward stranger conversations. Watch out for crazy little kid attempting acrobats on skateboard. Doesn't he know those things will land you in ER if your not careful? Oh that's just me going down a half pipe for the first time. Great times. African American male walking toward me on same side of the street. How should I be what should I do. A long time ago white people would have crossed the street to avoid being on the same side, groan* why did racism have to start. I'm not racist, but I'm white --ha very white, when was the last time I layed out in the sun? It's summer, Beck. As in beach. Oh wait, when was the last time I saw the sun. Hmph. Passing male person. An out-of-breath "hi" and solid eye contact. Great job. This street is busy. Almost home, push push push. Interesting how these sidewalks slope for bikes into the middle of the intersection... only one slope per corner. Someone's out of a job. One last bock. Swinging arms, focus on the armpit sweat. And I'm home. Oooh I love this sweaty feeling. I think my arms are getting smaller from all this running. Slowly. Now for my legs and stomach to tone up. Hey-- no negative thinking. Think about your arms again. Ahhhh waaater..." One hot summer night...there was a girl who wrote...
When I was younger, back when my family lived in Minnesota in the larger upstairs of a duplex, we had one room that was closed off and was The Air Conditioned Room. I have many fond memories of "shut the door shut the door! your letting all the cold air out!" Ah what wonderful times those were.... looking back on it. I don't think I thought it was the greatest thing back then: being hot all the time. Because I grew up in a house that was humid and hot in the majority of the rooms, I notice that I enjoy times that remind me of that period. Last year, living with Karisa Mueller in St Paul, we had one window air conditioner in the living room and I really liked it... unless I was trying to get dressed up to go somewhere and I was sweating buckets before I was even dressed. But for the most part it was pretty awesome. Do you have any such memories?
Our minds are amazing things, really. If you get stuck in the same rut (which I know I am guilty of) it can change your whole world. The moment you open your eyes to someone else's point of view, the rut can feel like it just disapears! The only hard part is that there usually are other people involved... and, the way I see it, may still expect that you are in that rut so they may treat you as if you are still there.
Hmmm I really like that analogy. I like the little guys even better. lol
So I've been writing here because I can't sleep. I think I should take a cold shower and give it another go around. But I'd rather not do the shower part... I just bought new work out clothes and I want to keep wearing them! One day I think I'm going to do a 8 hour period and run a mile every hour on the hour. That would be 8 miles (duh. lol) and how cool would that be? It would be like the detox I sometimes do, except with excersize. Sweet. June 14 Tink"I think me played a joke on myself and I bore the brunt of it." (I'm prolly the only person who will ever laugh at this or even crack the slightest hint of a smile... but someday it will remind me of pulling over in a gas station in Chicago and struggling to type it into a word document that was already saved on my desktop as "NEED FOR HOME LIFE"... hmmm I wonder if 'll ever remember what I created that document for.)
How many people each day say the same word at the same time? "trigger" is the word I heard on the radio while parked at a red light with my windows down and at the same time there were a couple kids riding by on bikes and one of them said the same word. June 11 where'd you go?i just finished my weekend of working 13 hour days and what do i have to show for it or be proud of? nothing. eventually a paycheck but i don't even have that sense of accomplishment or the sense that i am filling the hole i'm supposed to be filling. perhaps it is the client i have, perhaps it is the whole job that isn't doing the trick for me anymore. if i have to think about it... i would have to admit that the only thing that really ever has filled that hole is when i finish a really good piece of artwork. but is that what i'm supposed to be doing: art? i kinda wanna have a little money at some point so i can feed myself... i am the only person in green bay. well, not really ...but it feels that way. i can almost feel what i felt last year in chicago: complete lonliness. only this time it is ok because i know -if it gets that bad- i only have to drive half an hour and i will be ok. i thought i learned last time i moved: move somewhere where there is at least one person... oh wait i did that, didn't i? well, i guess i'll have to add one part onto that sentance ...and then meet more. the next time i move, which probably will be in august, i will need to make good that part also. sometimes i could just cry for no reason. i want to be the person i'm supposed to be. but then i don't even know what that is. i don't feel my emotions are stable. when i'm with him i feel so much love: given and gotten. and when i'm not, i feel vulnerable and that fact alone makes me discomforted. like something might change if i turn my back for too long so i look at each detail too closely, measuring how he is, measuring how i am. i know each person is different! why do i measure him to my standards? what means a lot to me, doesn't mean a lot to him. and the same goes vice versa. yet its so hard for me to feel o.k. i wonder sometimes if i was the only one who had that image in my head of myself? i had a clean slate and each time i don't meet up to my standards, its my image that is slipping... what i think is my image of myself through his eyes. can i just accept someone loving me for me? can i do the same back? i think i've failed at every chance i had and yet i haven't ruined this one yet. i don't want to either. i want this to work... i want so much... June 10 jealousy is an ugly emotion.there is no way around the truth in that sentance. in my mind, anyway. it seems to me that i am more of a jealous person the more i like someone. even to girls that i'm friends with. in a way i feel like, hey thats my friend... let me have at least one to myself. like i've never really had one person who is all mine. i've never really been able to call one person MY best friend... i've always had to share. but not now. now i have a best friend, but i feel this ugly emotion just the same. definetly even more so than before. why? i understand that even i -who wants one person to be totally and completely committed to- needs independence and seperateness. but my actions don't say that. and that stupid jealousy that i try suppress always springs forth. and i'm scared that someday it will take over and kill what i finally have: a best friend. i feel better now that i've talked about this latest incident where the jealousy reared its ugly head... and i think that is the best way to get rid of it: admitt it and let it go. totally experience the emotion, let it be, accept it and then let it go. and i did. this time. |
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is stuck down in a hole and calls for help. The second one
comes and tries to help, but she
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